He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
