Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
