so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
