Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
