God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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