Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize