how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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