The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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