I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
