So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My liver just had a heart attack.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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