Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
