Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
