I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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