I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
