His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There's always time for handjobs
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
