Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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