I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
