Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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