I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
