My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
