Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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