i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
