youre lurking in front of me
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
