thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
pop tarts are not kleenex
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
