I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
