I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
