The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
