Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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