I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I haven't been this sober since birth.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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