Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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