i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
