I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
