just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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