You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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