Umm I'm too high to move.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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