If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
