I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
