In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
false alarm, still single
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