I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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