omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
