I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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