my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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