My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize