I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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