got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
