two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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