My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
