I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize