clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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