I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
