So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
