Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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