He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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