We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
