Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
