I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
