someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
