I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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