whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
